Track 09: The Devil Drives a Honda (Feat. Let Me Explain)

I hate my car, it is well documented. My '98 Civic LX has put me through more turmoil than I care to admit, it is a heap of trash that must be destroyed.

Last week I was driving home from a film festival in Venice when my tire exploded on Ocean Avenue, in the heart of Santa Monica, amidst hundreds of frightened tourists. If I had any self respect I would drive it off the end of the pier.

This is the fifth time my car has betrayed me on the LA streets:

That time it broke down on Wilshire and I pushed it to The LA Country Club.

That time it broke down in Westwood and the tow truck guy laughed in my face.

That time it was literally just parked on the street and some yahoo sideswiped the whole damn thing...

...although they were kind enough to retrieve the mirror and set it next to the car before they drove off. 

That time I popped the tire on Sunset Blvd after a job interview (I didn't get the job).
I don't have a picture for this but I think Harvey conveys what I'm getting at.

And now this...

Hell on wheels 

Something had to be done, one last ditch effort to rid myself of this thing responsibly before it kills me.

I decided the right thing to do was to put it on Craigslist, fully disclosing that the car is possessed by spirits of the damned. 

Here's the crazy part, it worked. 

I kept getting more and more emails until some someone flagged the post and pulled it from the site.

I'm a little nervous to actually meet these people but I feel like I'm too deep now... we'll see what happens.

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Did I tell you guys I'm taking Improv classes? No?

What's that? Maybe I should keep that to myself?

WHY?!  Oh because I'm a twenty-seven year old unemployed man who spends his time trolling Craigslist and hanging out with an improv troup instead of finding a job while his wife is hard at work in a hospital?....

Ok so anyways I've been taking classes at The Second City in Hollywood for about, I dunno 6 months or more now and it's been really great. 

Second City is where all the improv greats studied:

Chris Farley, John Belushi, Steve Carrell, John Candy, Joan Rivers, Bill Murray, Tina Fey.

The list goes on and on...

Anyways, These classes have got me all jazzed up about producing my own material, so with the help of some buddies, we pulled off a little video. Here it is!

"Woah..."

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Ok I'm running out of steam here, and I have to run to the bank before Steph wakes up (she worked night shift last night) and see's me sitting at the table eating cereal out of the box at 2pm. 

Pray for me guys.

So I'm gonna blast you with some pictures before I go.

It's been a great month.

First Off: Steph and I had a baby!!!

We welcomed sweet little Calvin into our loving arms, although right now we're letting him live with my brother and sister-in-law in Minnesota because it's pretty unpopular to have a baby in LA if you're under 35.

But we FaceTime alot!!

Ok no. Not my son, but he is the cutest little new nephew on the block. 

So is my guy Harvey!

...AND big sister Sam! 

Steph and I had an awesome trip home because we love our family (but more-so because I had a hell of a tooth-ache and needed Dr. Brother to set me straight.)

I must say this was a pretty profound event. Twenty years ago Ben punched me in the face and broke 2 of my teeth in our basement in Minnetonka when he was showing our neighbor Joey Cook how to fight. Now we've come full circle as Ben drilled the shit out of my molar and fixed a broken tooth.

I was having a particularly great hair day.

After we returned to LA, we double-downed on the family when Steph's bro Ryan came into town.

We showed him the works; Disneyland, Fox Studios, Dodgers Game, the Carnival thing on the Pier.

Unemplooooyyyyyeeed!

Becca was Booed all game for wearing Giants Gear.

I remained impartial.

Ok, BABE

Go WILD, you guys.

Hello Again, Let's Dish, & Attention to Details (specifically the lower back)

Aloha ladies, gentlemen.  

It's been quite some time, hasn't it? 

Thought maybe I'd forgotten about you?

Nonsense! You were always on my mind. 

It's just that I've been on a hiatus of sorts, a sabbatical you might say.

I know-I know, two years without word or notice, not even a courtesy call or "BRB". 

It was not my intention to leave you in the lurch. 

I got a job, you see, and I just couldn't give my full attention to this.

I made a choice, it hurt many of you, and I'm sorry.

The SS Opportunity blared her horn, you must realize, and I answered the call.

For Two Glorious Years.

..........

!!!!!RINGGGGGG RIINNNGGGG!!!

***WAKE UP DANNY****

YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED!

INT. SANTA-MONICA BEDROOM. DAY

DANNY CURTIS (Mid-Late 20's, rugged, handsome) wakes up in a foreign bedroom. He is alone except for a CAT, who stares at him for a moment before yawning, displaying his teeth. 

DANNY

(to the cat)

What fresh hell is this? Where am I? Who are you?

CAT

...

DANNY

Right.

DANNY looks around the room, he notices a PICTURE FRAME on the dresser, he examines it. It's him.

DANNY

(re: picture)

It's. Me.

He notices OTHER PICTURES in the room, several displaying smiling images of he and a BLONDE WOMAN.

DANNY

(cont.)

That face...

Just then, a NOISE from other room sends the cat off the bed and out of the room. Danny hears a key snapping into place and the front door opening. He races into.

INT. LIVING-ROOM. SAME

The FRONT DOOR swings open revealing a BLONDE WOMAN (Mid 20's, mysterious, beautiful) in hospital scrubs.

BLONDE WOMAN

Hey babe, you're up early. Ughh my shift was insane last night.

Danny recognizes her from the photos. Just then, a name snaps into his mind.

DANNY

Stephanie! You're here.

STEPHANIE

I had a screaming baby all night long, we're never having kids, do we have any cereal?

Danny stares in shock. It's Stephanie, his long-time girlfriend, he turns to head to the kitchen and opens a cabinet in search of cereal. He notices a WEDDING RING on his hand. 

DANNY

(to himself)

We're Married?

STEPHANIE

I better get on-call tonight. Or just cancelled, tonight feels like a wine night.

DANNY

I umm, yeah. I hear ya.

STEPHANIE

So do you have anything planned for today? Maybe relax at the beach or read a book? 

DANNY

That sounds nice. Yes. I think I'll do both.

STEPHANIE

Yeah, you should, you can worry about resumes and all that stuff next week. Well, I'm gonna change, I've got hospital all over me and I feel super gross. 

Just as Stephanie leaves the room, Danny collapses onto the kitchen floor, knocking a BOX OF FRENCH-TOAST CRUNCH off the shelf and scattering it everywhere. A flood of memories surge into Danny's head. He cradles the box.

DANNY

The Job. The Wedding. We moved to Santa Monica! I got laid-off ARGGG!!

Danny twists in agony. 

DANNY

(cont.)

...the blog. Sweet Jesus, tell me I updated the blog!

CUT TO BLACK 

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Pretty intense stuff there.

I'll admit this joblessness hasn't been the easiest transition, but I'm a resilient guy, and with the emotional support  of my family and friends (financial, if the Lord so leads), I know I'll bounce back stronger than ever. 

It's all about adaptation. Sacrifices must be made, and in times of scaling back, it's the frugal who flourish. 

I've actually surprised myself at some of my money saving tactics, in fact, I've got a pitch I'd like to share with you. Thinking about sending it over to Dave Ramsey for a cookbook idea I think we could collaborate on. 

I call it the "In-Case-a-dilla" (Working Title) Something you'll want ready, In Case!

You'll need the following:

1. Flour Tortilla (Today I'm using a fancy organic brand from my "old life" but you may need to scale back to fit your particular budget)
2. Sliced Ham (I'm a Classic Hickory man myself but Honey Baked can add a sweetness if you're looking for that)
3. Shredded Cheese (Today I kept it classic with a Mild Cheddar/Monterey Jack Blend, but again, I've had some wild experiences with some south of the border mixes as well ;) ) 
4. SRIRACHA brand Hot Chili Sauce: I'm not gonna budge you guys. SRIRACHA is what gives the Incaseadilla* it's signature kick.   

Now it's time to work


- Toss two slices of ham onto a tortilla.
-Sprinkle Cheese over the top (don't go too crazy here, we still have to roll this guy)

-With the cheese on the ham, it's time for the microwave. 

**NOTE** DO NOT put the Sriracha on before you microwave - Fool me once...

I suggest 1-minute on HIGH (you can eyeball it as well, just make sure the cheese is melted). 

- Next comes the Sriracha, dress it up to your liking (I went with a simple pinwheel design here but feel free to let your own inner artist out)

Taste the Savings!

-Roll that bad boy up and enjoy! 

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Overall, things have been great. Steph and I are loving our new spot in Santa Monica. We're a short walk to the beach, and we've been taking full advantage.

Here I am playing Frisbee with my buddy Grant!

There's Steph - staring off into the ocean.

Here's my buddy T-Roe! He came out from MN for a visit.
I'm actually not to sure how this pic found it's way in here.

One of the big perks of the area is it's proximity to Muscle Beach. A sandy outdoor jungle gym with ropes, parallel bars, rings, weights, monkey bars, you name it!

I like to jog down there from time to time and give the pull-up bar the 'ol heave ho. 

Last week during a particularly aggressive sesh, I caught the eye of middle aged woman sitting amongst a team of muscled out beach-bro's holding a large sketchpad. It was a curious sight, she didn't quite match the rest of the scene (not that she didn't have the right to be there, everyone at Muscle Beach is welcome and entitled to their own journey) she just looked like someone's aunt. Or like a Green Bay Packer fan. I dunno YOU figure it out. 

Anyhoo, She starts waving at me after I dismount from some dips. I approach her and she spins the sketchpad around.

WARNING: EROTIC

"It's you", she said.

"Yes it is" I said.

Now, I don't know if you guys have seen me recently but this is EXACTLY WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

It's all there, the hair, the smirk, and check out that Tricep!

(I was going to post a comparison pic of myself next to it but Steph won't let me post a shirtless pic - UGH!)

What I was most struck-by was the shading of the shoulders and lower-back. It's not your traditional pose but it's pretty provocative.

"That's a real talent you've got there, I wish I could pay you but I'm afraid I don't have any money on me", I said.

"Don't worry about it, it was my pleasure", she responded.

It was a pretty quick workout. I left after that.

But I appreciate the gesture and it was the confidence boost I needed at the time.

Things are looking up you guys.

It's good to be back,

-Danny

Here's a couple bonus pictures for you guys:

Cute Steph pic here from our Honeymoon in Hawaii

Fun Disney photo here from when "the moms" were in town.